Since being back in my hometown, life has been quite interesting. Peaceful. Challenging. Scary. Loving. Supportive. Demanding. Moving. Still. Empowering. Powerful.
I think the most challenging part for me is who I am post-Brazil is VERY different from who I was being before this adventure started! Some of you may be wondering, “Why is that so challenging? We change parts of ourselves all of the time.” Well, grab a cup of tea/coffee. Allow me to explain…
Let me start by saying, throughout this Adventure, my goal has always been to be honest and transparent with you in sharing what I’ve learned, hoping to inspire and/or encourage you to live your life with less fear, more Love, more Joy, and more Peace! As you have read in previous posts, I have gone through quite the transformation in some areas of my life (More will be shared in my book), and yet, I still have a ways to go in other areas. For example, learning to give up control, surrender, and go with the flow is HUGE in and of itself for me! Add to that the fact that I now, for the first time in my adult life, have Faith in God again and you’ve got a whole new woman! So, here I am in my hometown. When I first arrived, I stayed with my parents. Being near and with family is the ultimate test. As most of you know, this is where we get tested and triggered the most in our lives. Family are our biggest teachers! Anytime we, as humans/family members/siblings, are around our family, we are usually no longer our current age in their eyes. And, most of the time, we are no longer acting our age either. 😉 Some of your siblings or parents will always see you as 8 years old and their “little sister/brother or baby,” for example. Before I even got back to the States, I had a pretty good idea that the new me may not be received well by a couple of family members. Because this was the happiest and most at peace I have EVER felt in my life, I was ok with that. It wasn’t going to change what I knew as my Truth now. I will admit however that I knew how important family was/is to me, so I was nervous about the little kid in me surfacing and giving in to please my father at some point. After all of the hard work I’ve done, that would make me feel very sad and very disappointed in myself!
Honestly, this has felt like another “coming out”! All of those descriptors I used at the top of this post were many of the same things I went through 25 years ago when I came out of the closet. It’s actually pretty fascinating now that I think of it. Not always fun, but fascinating none the less. 😉
So, here I am, trying to get comfortable in my own skin again. I have no idea where my life is going. I have no idea what my work will look like. I have no idea where I will end up living (the whole world is before me for the first time!). All I know for sure is that I am happy and full of inner peace…and I have SO much Love and Joy I want to share with people! THIS is what happens when you completely surrender and allow God to guide you. When I share this with people, I have gotten just about every reaction you can imagine. At one end of the spectrum, I have some family members who think I have lost my mind, other people not being able to fully understand where I’m coming from, but supporting me anyway because they truly want me happy, all the way to the other end of the spectrum of friends that totally get it and are super excited for me, supporting me every step of the way! Yes, it’s hard some days knowing that there are family members that don’t support what you are doing. I remind myself that not only are we all on different paths, but also, I know they are just worried and scared for me. This is their way of showing me that they love me right now. I am living a VERY unconventional life right now and this is really hard for some people to wrap their heads around. And yet, I get it! And, I don’t know how to explain it to you, but I know God’s got my back!
Again, I will remind you, this is new for me too! Even without worrying and dealing with family and society, I am contending with my own mind. Just because I had this amazing, life-changing experience, doesn’t mean I automatically have 100% trust and Faith. It is taking a lot of work. I have to change my own brain pathways and ways of thinking around many things as I walk through each day. I have been back for about 5 weeks now. I still cry some days because my ego believes this should be easy, that it shouldn’t have to feel like work! There are days I have just wanted to run away. I wanted to run back to Brazil, or to another country, or even California (where I have felt I will end up living for years), anywhere away from here. Anywhere where I could just BE again! And, I know that is not what will serve my highest good. That is not why God sent me back here. If I am to do God’s work, which is what I’m choosing to do, I have to do my own work first. I need to continue integrating, getting comfortable in my new skin, and walking my talk. 😉
Each week is getting better. A couple of weeks ago, I felt myself “slipping” back into my old way of being. Although this is normal and part of the human experience, I felt miserable and didn’t like who I was being. So I took a little respite and spent some time with a dear friend in Madison, WI. Since I got back last week, I am happy to report I am feeling great! So, although I don’t always have the level of Joy and inner Peace I would like in each day, the amount that I do have is MUCH greater and much more frequent than in the past! And, my Guide is clear, which makes a huge difference!
And with that said, I will end here for now. A big thank you to those of you that have been following along this whole time with support and encouraging words! And, to those of you that have shared some of your personal journeys with me that these blog posts have inspired in you! I send MUCH Love to you all!
All in Love,