During the summer, I had started dating someone. Things moved quickly. It felt good. It was exciting. Not only were we having fun together, it appeared we were also mirroring each other and working through some of our past. Felt healthy. Felt safe. She knew about my upcoming adventure to the ashram in California. She was in full support. All was well when I left…or so I thought. After being gone one week, I receive a text that she needed a few days to think. She would be in touch. From that moment on, things never felt the same.
How she was acting towards me and communicating felt like I was talking to a completely different person. This post is not about her. It is not even about anyone being right or wrong. There is no blame. This post is about me and the opportunity for healing a major life wound. I felt I needed to set the scene. 😉
When I received that text message, I attempted to contact her. Initially I was worried. When she finally replied and told me she couldn’t talk to me, it felt as though my whole world as I knew it had just been taken from me. I’m not trying to be dramatic. That is literally how I felt. I didn’t understand it either! So, I sat with it. And, sat with it…
Here’s what happened… I was adopted as an infant. I was about 4 weeks old when my wonderful family took me home. I had an amazing childhood. At some point in my 30’s (I think), I got present to a longing I have always felt in my Being. I realized I had been acting/being a certain way in relationships to make sure the person wanted me. I needed to be perfect so they wouldn’t want to “give me up”. This is something that has just been in my soul. I don’t ever remember consciously thinking these things as a young person.
Obviously, this way of thinking greatly effected my behavior and therefore my relationships. I have been working on this since…making slow progress. I have learned a great deal over the years and have tried on new ways of being with friends, family, and within my dating relationships. One of the primary things I have done over the years is allowing myself to be more and more vulnerable with people. Being vulnerable can be scary for anyone. The reason why it felt especially scary for me is because the little girl inside of me had created the story that if I told someone about this stuff, people would see me as flawed and then “give me up.”
Clearly, God created this adventure to heal that. The surrender challenge while in Brazil was definitely the hardest thing I (my ego) had ever gone through…until this! I look back now, and that was NOTHING compared to how I was feeling my 2nd and 3rd weeks here!! There were a few times I cried in Brazil, sure. The crying that occurred here during those couple of weeks came from my core. I don’t know when the last time was that I cried like a baby, literally. There were moments when I felt like I was an infant and just left on a doorstep. My whole world changed in an instant! It was gone! I was alone. No one loved me. No one was there to keep me safe. Don’t misunderstand, the dating relationship ending was not why I felt this way. It/She was the catalyst to a great opportunity to healing my deepest wound of this lifetime! It just triggered a very old wound that is no longer serving me. And, I thank her for that!
With the support and love of a few people, my “Bible” (A Course in Miracles), a great deal of work and conversations with my “little kid” inside, and A LOT of meditation, my 4th week here has been SOO incredibly peaceful and happy…again! Whew! I made it to the other side. 😉
Just like there are many levels to surrendering, I’m guessing there will be more here as well. And, I know I have made it through the hardest part of both of these! It feels amazing!
The moral of the story is…All of this is just a distraction! The only relationship I need to be concerned with at this moment is the one I have with God. That is and will be my primary relationship from now on! I got it! When I am connected with God and remember this, I feel so much Love and Peace (and experience Miracles) in my life! Thank you, God. This doesn’t mean I won’t have romantic relationships in the future. It just means they will have to be ok with God coming before them. 😉
Sending SOOO much Love to all of you!