Within a few days after I wrote my last blog post, I had an amazing epiphany. I was doing my usual meditation practice right before sunrise one morning and suddenly my eyes shot open with the thought, “THIS is living! I am finally living my life!” Yes, of course I have been living for 46 years. It wasn’t this amazing life that’s before me now, however.
Most of my life, I have been working so hard to please people, to make others happy, to get approval, to make more money, to earn respect…blah, blah, blah… Most of you understand this to some degree, I’m sure. I was living for others. I was saving lives (metaphorically and literally). I was putting most people’s needs before my own. I was trying to be perfect. Sure, my ego enjoyed a lot of this stuff. My heart and Spirit on the other hand were slowly dying. What I now get is that this past year has been about me saving my own life, literally!
All of these changes I have been going through have not been easy for some people in my life. One quality that has been hard for me to hear is that I have come across as selfish at times over the past year. I can understand how it could appear that way to some people, especially people that are used to me putting their needs before my own. Unfortunately, it has been very necessary for me to really go inward in order to discover what my own needs were. One thing I have learned is that we are responsible for our own peace and happiness. Not only have I figured out that it’s not up to me to make sure everyone is happy, I had to figure out how to have inner peace and to make myself happy before I could support anyone else in figuring that out for themselves. I have done it. I am happier than I have ever been this life-time (except for when I was a child maybe)! And, it all just seems to be getting better and better. Once I had figured that out for myself, I could implement one of the many lessons I have learned here, how to meet your own needs AND be of service to/for others. This is what it’s all about. Seva (selfless service) is what feeds my soul! With that being said, I am also committed to never losing myself again. 😉
Tomorrow, I leave the Ashram. I have learned a great deal and will be forever grateful for my time here and for the amazingly generous people and friends I have met here! I have saved my life. Now it’s time to live it. There are two places in this world I have been drawn to as places I would like to live…San Diego, CA and Italy. I have been to San Diego. I have not ever been to Italy. I feel as though I need to visit Italy before I can choose where I am going to settle down.
My plane ticket has been purchased. I leave for Italy at the end of next month (November)! The first month, I will be staying in a town about an hour north of Rome. I will be enrolled at a University taking a month long class learning the language and all about the culture. The classes are about 20 hours per week. We will be taken into the community a lot and there are optional excursions to other cities on the weekends. I will also be able to get cheap housing through the University. So, the class and a month’s rent will cost me half the price of a cheap hotel for the month! After I experience the classes for a little bit, I may enroll in the second level courses. We’ll have to see. I’m SO excited (and a little nervous) I can’t stand it! 🙂
Time to finish packing.
Live your life…
Make it happen.
Anything is possible!
All in Love,